Pride

What does it mean to have pride in oneself?

I posed on my earlier post, "Labels", the question: 'why would someone proclaim their pride in being gay any more than they would proclaim their pride in being human?'

What I rhetorically meant by this was that being gay is just fundamentally part of who I am, without my ability or desire to change. This is equivalent to any other aspect of my being, and of my humanity; what I truly intended to convey was that there should be no reason to be any "prouder" in my sexuality than I would be in my ability to breathe or think. They are each parts of myself - they are what make me human. And just as there is nothing abnormal or remarkable with breathing and thinking, there is nothing abnormal or remarkable with being gay. It is simply a fact that I am, and nothing more.

What I especially want to clarify is that being gay is not what makes me unique. Would you say that your ability to breathe makes you unique? Is what makes you interesting? I don't think so. Similarly, one's sexuality shouldn't be what's interesting about oneself - its not a talent, or a skill, or a hobby; it's just what you are. The fact that I'm gay will never define who I am. It never can define my personality - how could it? Could you distinguish my interests, my hobbies, my mannerisms, or any aspect of who I am from my ability to breathe? No! Until a gay man or a gay woman can walk down the street without having to hide their sexuality, and without someone giving them a second glance or stopping to consciously recognize their homosexuality, then society will always have a skewed - and thus wrong - position towards it.

What I see as important is the acceptance of our human characteristics. We must accept our - and others' - sexuality for the simple reason that it is as inherent, natural, and non-harmful as breathing is - and that's how we should be advocating it, I think (though perhaps not as redundantly as I with the "breathing" example). What I find the most ideal fulfillment of this is the idea of never even mentioning your sexuality - straight people have no necessity to explain that they're straight, and it should be the same for all sexualities. I should be able to live my life without anyone giving a second thought to whom I'm attracted to.

Imagine a world in which there is not even the concept of separate sexualities; in which the ideas of "gay" and "straight" don't even exist - because they don't matter. Where people simply have sex and fall in love with whoever they want to without the fear of even being recognized as 'different'. Yes, I know that this is incredibly idealistic and improbable.. but isn't this social evolution what we ought to be striving for anyway?

I think that the means to progressing the societal position of homosexuals is to realize that we aren't different because of our sexualities. We're all human, and the advocation of equality - not uniqueness - is what I feel is what will be most beneficial to spreading acceptance.


I'm not trying to condescend to the 'gay pride' movement or imply that it's advocating the wrong message. Yet an analogy that I've considered before is the difference between the black Civil Rights movement in the USA, and the militant members of the Black Panthers. We, as gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transsexuals, are all seeking civil acceptance and tolerance, as were the countless others who fought for the same for African Americans. Some of those in the gay community, however, seek acknowledgement along the lines of militancy, gaudiness, or exclusivity as were many members of the Black Panthers. LGBT people ought to seek inclusion in society, and not segregation or contempt of it, nor pity or different treatment from it. Some are only seeking civil acceptance (which I support), yet others of the gay pride movement would desire the meretricious egotism and conflict that some of the Black Panthers wished for blacks. I'm not even necessarily condemning these types of gay activists; I only condemn the practice of them claiming to represent all gays.


Perhaps my disturbance at the term "gay pride" simply results from the word; I've explained, from my perspective, that one should not feel prideful over an inherent, human characteristic (at least, not to the extent of declaring a distinct pride in it). One should ACCEPT oneself, not declare oneself. In my eyes, the term should be along the lines of "gay acceptance", and not "gay pride".

A good friend of mine once said to me, "gay seems to be all-defining, and it's hard to push into the background sometimes. If you're not proud and up-front about it, then you have to be ashamed. There's no middle ground with people. Hopefully there will be more gay people like us... where it's just something about us, and not the only thing about us. I really think that's the key for the gay community moving forward... not pride parades."

I've mentioned pride parades earlier, and that I felt they were the epitome of false labeling - due to the flamboyance and ostentatiousness associated with them. Though, I'd like to make it clear that I do strongly agree that a pride parade is a place where gays can be themselves and enjoy "a sense of belonging and community that one doesn't normally feel." I do strongly agree that these are very important and beneficial aspects to pride parades, and I do strongly agree that these are aspects that should be continued. However, when the "up-front", flamboyant, and ostentatious acting out of certain members (comparative to the Black Panthers) becomes the symbol and/or image of gay pride, I feel it does become detrimental; I feel that it does promote the idea that homosexuality is to be recognized as something apart from normality. Something to have a separate necessity to be "proud" in. And this is detrimental. 

Yet I do honestly feel this is the true aim and motive of the "pride" movement, and that I am not speaking out against it. I understand that 'pride' is simply meant as the opposition of 'shame', which I hope I've made obvious that I oppose as well - though with 'acceptance' rather than 'pride'. Yet, I think that this motivation for the pride movement does sometimes get muddled in the commonly carnivalesque attitude to and of it.

Trust me, I strongly support those who would courageously follow the examples of MLK Jr, Medgar Evers, Ghandi, Richard Adams, David Kato, Harvey Milk, and countless heroes who have given their lives to seek equality and fight prejudice, because that is yet to be fully achieved for the LGBT community. Regardless, it goes without saying that it should always be kept in mind why and how we ought to seek acceptance. Should it not be because we are not different from "normal" society? Is it not because we are normal?

I don't have pride in calling myself gay. What I would have pride in is the ability to withstand - and ultimately, overcome - the struggle of social nonacceptance. But that's not unique to being gay, is it? People have been ostracized for all reasons: skin color, belief, ethnicity. All of these are parts of the fight for human rights, and all - including sexuality - are part of simply being human.

Hypocrisy?

I want to acknowledge that a lot of what I've said as advice or comfort - and will most likely say in the future - seems to have a slightly hypocritical aspect to it, I feel.

What I mean is that I'm going through the problems, worries, and troubles of a closeted gay teen, so obviously I'm not too good at following any advice I write on here. It's one thing to say that everything will be fine, and another to believe it. What I'm asking you (anyone who wants my advice) is to understand that I mean what I say; but don't think I'm acting as if I've overcome the problems I write about. I'm on the path as well - which is why I wanted to offer a perspective that you could relate to.

I think the biggest problem with depression, cynicism, or just pessimism, is that it creates an overwhelmingly nihilistic apathy in oneself. It makes us too apathetic to even believe the rationality that's required for happiness - happiness for the future, in my case. We can understand and agree with things that might be utterly rational and probable, such as that we will most likely find love, but depression (and I don't necessarily mean clinical depression) doesn't allow us to regard them as such.

Despite being completely rudimentary, an easy way for me to explain this is that my 'heart' and my 'brain' aren't agreeing with each other. My brain knows the comfort I try to give on here is true and, most likely, obvious. Yet my 'heart' is too apathetic to believe my brain's rationality. So this leads to the difficulty in overcoming emotional strains, and the sense of hypocrisy I feel when writing about them.

Still, it goes without saying that our brains' rational thoughts should be acknowledged, so maybe I'm not totally speaking out of my ass.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is supposed to be a time of celebration in affectionate romance. Regardless of the cheesy and often insincere recognition of the holiday, it's impossible to avoid the love in the air today. The huge problem with this, of course, is that it makes it even more obvious if you're one of the many teens, myself included, that don't have any romance.

As couples hold hands, kiss, and hug rampantly in the school hallways, and love is championed through cheap cards and cheaper candy, it has a bitter-sweet effect on me. Like I said, it makes it even more painfully obvious that I don't, and can't, share in the spirit of this manufactured holiday; it clarifies that the one person with whom I wish I could be holding hands with, kissing, and hugging (my best friend), is forever out of my reach.. and it's salt in the wounds when I see him doing these with his own girlfriend.

But I'll spare you the self-pity. I did say that Valentine's Day was bitter-sweet.

Today can still afford some benefit to those of us who, due to the close-kept secret of our sexualities, are restricted in our desire for love. Simply put, the widespread affection around this day is something that we can celebrate in itself; we can be happy for those who are happy in their relationships, and it can also remind us to look ahead to when we will be able to share in it. It's not a very intrinsically large benefit, I have to admit, but it is one that gives me something to think about - and look forward to. I will continue to believe for everyone in my situation that there is a soul-mate out there for you (if you haven't found him/her already) who will make you forget all of these problems.

Even if you don't buy it, I've been getting caught up in the spirit of today, and have randomly pulled some online pictures representing the profound, influential, genuine, and universal emotion of love, and decided to compile them here, if you're interested.  Don't take it as pathetically mocking anyone's inability to achieve the feelings in these pics - think of it as nothing more than catharsis.  I could stare at these all day long. 

♀♀ Love

♂♂ Love

Struggle of a Faggot

Teenaged Problems, part Three

I'm reluctant in addressing the title of this post, because I hope I'm not insulting your intelligence by doing so. Though, it's something I'll most likely mention eventually anyway, and it fits with the difficulty of being gay.

What I mean is that I'm not the type of person to be offended by the word "faggot", or "queer", or any other similar homosexually-associated word. That's all they are - words. I use them all the time, e.g. extensively while playing Call of Duty. What is offending is the intent of a word - which should go without saying. What I'm telling you now is that if I ever do write these words, it's simply out of jocularity. Don't be offended by them. Part of growing up gay, I think, is knowing when to be offended (even if you don't show it), and to have a thick skin when you are.

This leads me into the problem of being a homosexual in society - or, more importantly, society's problem towards homosexuals. It's the next of my major problems in life - next on my Riley's Problems chart. While I would probably agree that it's not as big of a social problem as it was in the past, we can all see and realize the continued ostracizement of gays. I'm not going to rant about the ignorance of certain Topekan churches, or that governments ought to legalize gay marriage, because I'm aware that I'm not going to be fixing social problems through my little corner of the Internet. However, I can attempt to give comfort to those who are the subject of these problems.

Since I am in the closet, I can't speak for those outside of it, or say how well off you'd be if you came out, but what I can say is that the simple fact of there being a closet to come out of - that some of us have to hide a fundamental part of ourselves - is a total mindfuck in itself. To have to hide and lie literally every day of one's life is an extremely difficult burden, no doubt. It's why it is one of the problems that I feel is necessary to discuss in explaining who I am as a person.

I'm always afraid of being outed to my peers, and I tense up when the topic of homosexuality is brought up between my friends and family. It is truly fearful to know that there are some who would think less of me, to say the least, due to my sexuality. Sometimes, I wish that I weren't gay. We've all heard it before: "it's gross," "it's unnatural," "it's wrong." Despite comments such as these being horribly backwards and ignorant, it doesn't lessen the fact that they're genuinely regarded as true by people we know and interact with. This is suffocating and oppressive to have to live through every day. In high school, this is especially evident.


I feel the only reason that justifies staying in the closet is the avoidance of others' negative reactions to your sexuality. It should never be because you can't embrace yourself, or because you feel like you're less of a person because of it, because that's simply untrue.

Many of us fear the consequences of being outed, but none of us can blame ourselves. It's not our fault for the ignorance and intolerance of others. I'll most likely go into more detail on this in a later post, but it's nonetheless something that you should always know. Who you are is who you are, and no one has any right to judge you based on who you love.

There is nothing wrong when it comes to giving and making love. There is nothing wrong with being who you are - whether straight, gay, bi, trans, or Chinese.

The Pygmalion Effect

While on the topic of negative societal perception towards gays, I recall a unique psychological study that took place some years ago. It's often related to problems of racism, sexism, and bullying, and explains one of the more impactful influences of intolerance.

This theory, called the 'Pygmalion Effect', or the 'Rosenthal Effect', is associated with situations in which others' and society's expectations impact our own thoughts and actions. It's commonly referred to as a "self-fulfilling prophecy".

In 1966, Robert Rosenthal conducted an experiment at an elementary school, in which random students were selected to be labeled academically superior. At the end of the year, these students tested significantly higher than the other, academically 'inferior', students. Rosenthal concluded that the expectations placed on certain students could impact their academic abilities. This well-known study has had extremely important repercussions in the psychology of self-perception.

The idea behind it is that your own self expectations will ultimately coalesce with others' expectations of you. While it can have a positive effect - most iconically that you will succeed if others expect you to - it may also occur oppositely. If you're constantly viewed as inferior, be it intellectually, physically, sexually, artistically, or in any other attribute, the Pygmalion Effect explains that you will naturally adopt these perceptions as your own - regardless of their validity.

The Pygmalion Effect is commonly referred to as a "self-fulfilling" prophecy.  Someone who holds the belief that he is worthless, unintelligent, or inept will usually fulfill his expectations.  He will be confined within self-imposed limitations. Conversely, those who hold positive self-perceptions and aspirations are more likely to achieve what they set out to accomplish.  

This brings me back to the commonly expressed views that homosexuality is "disgusting," "unnatural," or "wrong." They can have a more deeply impacting effect than even the recipients may be aware of, as it almost always occurs on a subconscious and passive level from unaware people - even many who may not intend any harm at all.  If someone is bullied or harassed enough, they tend to begin believing the hate and insult that others throw at them - which ultimately leads to much more harmful and lasting personal trauma.

What I hope to provide is an awareness of the social and psychological influence of the Pygmalion Effect, and thus equip you to consciously counteract it's negative impacts, if you are one of the many who are victim to harassment or bullying. Half of the battle is within yourself - it is your expectations that ultimately guide you, and these are not only subject to others around you. If you do ever hear that it's "wrong" to be who you are, simply understand that it's not true. Tell yourself that it's not true. And tell yourself that others' perceptions need not be your own; accepting yourself for who you are is the first, and most important, step towards living with being gay in a society full of misunderstanding and bigotry.


Sources on the Pygmalion Effect:

http://www.users.muohio.edu/shermalw/edp603_group2-f00.html 
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-pygmalion-effect.htm
www.momescapade.com/.../PDFs/the_pygmalion_effect.pdf