Unrequited Love

Poetry

I've always enjoyed poetry, as it can portray common aspects of life in a profoundly simple way. It's a medium that one can connect with uniquely and personally. It's a way to find a voice, or to relate to another's.

As I mentioned in my last post, I struggle with my unrequited love for my best friend. In continuing this theme, I recently found a website, the Australian Poets Garret, that's dedicated to poetry. It hosts annual poetry challenges, and the theme for 2009 was unrequited love.

Even if you're not desperately in love with someone who won't return the feeling, I definitely suggest checking out this small and eclectic collection of poems.

Here's the link to the page: Poetry Theme Challenge 2009
 

The Silent Lover

WRONG not, sweet empress of my heart,
     The merit of true passion,
With thinking that he feels no smart,
     That sues for no compassion.

Silence in love bewrays more woe
     Than words, though ne'er so witty :
A beggar that is dumb, you know,
     May challenge double pity.

Then wrong not, dearest to my heart,
     My true, though secret passion ;
He smarteth most that hides his smart,
     And sues for no compassion.
 

~Sir Walter Raleigh

Riley's Love

Teenaged Problems, part Two

Love, as an idea, is of course everything that's ridiculously portrayed in Disney movies (minus the racism). Yet love in practice has a twist, in that there is both a good and bad side to it, I think. The good is the Disney fairytale (though I won't say it's nonexistent) that you share with the person of your dreams, which gives purpose to your life, and transcends everything else. The bad side of love, however, is slightly less ideal. Think of a prison.  It's cold, dark, restricting, solitary, and you're always afraid of getting hurt, right?.  When I think of love, this same image comes to mind.

In my 'Riley's Problems' chart, 'Love' is the biggest issue in my life.  Specifically, that it's unrequited - which is probably the reason for my jaded perception of it.


I'm in love with my best friend, whom I've known since second grade. He's arguably the most popular guy in my grade, and the best looking (if you ask me)... and he's straight. Consequently, the fact that I'm deeply in love with him is a source of a lot of pain for me. I'm sure that I'll be mentioning him quite a lot in the future.

One of the most difficult things that I've ever done was telling him, about two months ago, that I was attracted to dudes. It was a huge relief that he's completely accepting and nonjudgmental of me, yet what remains is the admittedly bigger problem of my feelings for him.

The words that I'd use to describe my situation are along the lines of cold, dark, restricting, and solitary (sound familiar?); I feel imprisoned by my love for my friend, which I can never be open with. It's quite the opposite of a 'transcendent, life-fulfilling connection.'

Although it's painful to know that I'll never be loved back by this guy, I value our close friendship much more than a risk at a 'closer' relationship. We've shared a lot together, and all the memories of us, as friends, are much more important to me than a fantasy kiss, or fuck. And despite my cynicism, I tell myself that there are more guys out there - ones that really will love me back. 


If you're in a similar position, where you're in love with a friend, or a straight person, or just with someone who doesn't love you back, at school, work, etc, remind yourself that he or she is not your only chance at happiness.  Remind yourself that if this person doesn't love you back, then it's not worth loving them. Yes, I know that this may be impossible right now - I know very well how hard it is to try to escape the prison of love - but the thing you can do is look forward to the moment when you'll meet an even more amazing person - and this time, they'll think that you're amazing, too.

You're just Sleeping Beauty, and it's only a matter of time before someone comes along to wake you from your long, lonely sleep, and let you live the Disney fairy tale that you want with them.

Chronologic Pain

Teenaged Problems, Part One

According to the pie chart in my last post, time periods make up for more than 50% of my problems.
I think this needs clarification.

It's not the times themselves that trouble me - it's just what's happened/ing during them (obviously). I'm regretful of the past, unhappy with the present, and apprehensive of the future. This is not a very unique idea, I know; it's probably relatable for many, many people. I just wanted to address the fact that a lot of people are unhappy with their position in life, because to an individual, it may seem very isolating.

I figured that most people can break this down into three parts of past, present, and future.

The Past

According to Time magazine, we remember the bad things from our past more than the good things, because our brain attempts to store relevant information - especially that which we can use "to guide future behavior" (http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1817329,00.html). So, with hindsight, we look back on the things that we find unpleasant, and then we constantly think about them. It's just our brain's way of making us grow from our past mistakes.

This, however, doesn't lessen the fact that we've made those mistakes in the first place - and that they inevitably have an effect now.

So, for me, I'm regretful of the past because I wasn't social enough.  I didn't do many team sports, I didn't hang out with friends very often, and I never tried to overcome my extreme shyness.  This might seem pretty trivial to some, and I couldn't disagree with that for many of you, but I'm aware that social anxiety is a huge problem for a lot of high-schoolers, including me.

The Present

Because I am socially anxious, and fearful of social situations, I'm really not living the high school experience and the kind of life that I would want for myself. Though I have plenty of friends at school, and get along with everyone as well, I'm a loner.  I'm too aloof to enjoy small talk with people or stand out in the classroom.  I first posted on this blog as my school's Jack of Hearts dance was in full swing. Essentially, I'm unhappy with being lonely.

I won't give you the cliche "what's past is past," because honestly, it isn't.  The past does affect us now, but all I can say is that we all have our problems, and we all have to deal with them.  Just remember that how you lived before does not have to restrict how you live now.  You don't have to be the same person you were years ago, nor do you have to refuse change.  It's okay to seek out new hobbies, new friends, and new experiences; you have control of your life.  No one else can truly tell you what to do, and you don't have to fear getting ostracized for your attempts to change your life independently of the past.  I know how daunting of an idea it is to change your life, but most people (including me) will cheer you on.

The Future

As a high-schooler - with one year left before I get sent off to college - the future is a pretty terrifying thing to me. As far as college goes, I constantly wonder, "will I fit in?" and generally, "how will I survive?" While I can't answer this for you or myself, it's important to keep in mind that even though our futures are affected by our past and present, they are not dictated by them.  Your life isn't set in stone, and it's up to you to determine your happiness later on.

This is all something that I can realize, but I'm still trying to accept it fully myself.

Although my advice is cliched, I feel that it's something many teens forget - or refuse to accept. I know that life is difficult for us, and that we might feel alone, helpless, and confused. All I can really tell you is this: although it won't solve all of your problems, take solace in the fact that there are many, many more out there like you, like me.  You aren't alone, despite the fact that others hide their problems as well as you do.

Now that that's outa the way... oh wait.

My last three posts were intended just to give somewhat of an intro on what position I stand, pertaining to my sexuality and my perception of it. You might say that I was just stating points that were already obvious and that you had already realized, and I wouldn't be surprised if you did. Don't take anything I say as preaching unique revelations, because that's not what I'm doing. What I am doing is stating thoughts that I hope others can read and be comforted by, whether you've already thought them or not.

I suppose what's next is to give more of an introduction onto who I am.

I decided to start this blog (besides, perhaps, due to some narcissistic desire to talk about myself) because it's nice to be able to relate with people. I wanted to provide some way for other teens to know that they're not as alone as they think.  I'm aiming to provide some comfort to those in a similar position as myself - generally, gay, closeted teens.

More specifically (but not necessarily), the people I might relate to are depressed, lonely, paranoid, pensive, and aloof cynics - which, apparently, are more teens than I would think.

If you want a spreadsheet of my favorite foods and hobbies, sorry. This is the closest I'm willing to give:

Pretty normal.. right? I'll save the explanations for each piece of the pie for later. I'm sure they're pretty self explanatory, otherwise.  

Labels

Labeling is something I've always detested. Along the same lines as what I mentioned in my earlier post - "Sexuality" - I find that labeling is society's futile and immoral attempt at defining the undefinable.

What does it mean to be 'gay'?  Does it mean you're a butch, manly woman, or an effeminate, flamboyant man?  If you're gay, do you have to have to be interested in fashion and theater?  Of course not.  These are stereotypes - and I find that people seem to have the understanding that stereotypes which aren't blatantly denigrating are somehow acceptable.  The stereotypes associated with homosexuality may not intrinsically state that it's inferior to heterosexuality, but when it creates an expectation for a gay man to be fashionable (and conversely, for a straight man to be unfashionable), it becomes completely disparaging.

The image that society views when hearing "dyke" or "queer" will always be wrong.  It will be wrong for as long as it has a stereotype for gays.  There is no such thing as a "gay" personality, or a "gay" look.  Personality is not defined by sexuality.

This brings me to the problem within the gay community itself, and the problem of its rampant self-labeling.  I've heard a gay man once explain his interest in interior designing with, "it's because I'm gay!"  See my above paragraphs for my response to that. While I have no problem with being called a twink simply because I'm young and cute, the image of my personality is not something that should ever be based on the label of "twink", or "bear".

If you think that I'm a "preppy party boy...who will most likely get drunk and flirty (likely with an older guy)" and "think its cute to act dumb and...idolize Paris Hilton or Britney Spears," then you are sorely mistaken, 'mike t' from yahoo.answers. "Gaydar" is applicable only to outward mannerisms (effeminacy or butch-ness) - which is not equitable to sexuality.  Gay men and women come in all colors of their rainbow, and that is something that should neither be celebrated or ostracized. Society must simply come to the realization that sexuality does not create difference between people.

Is he gay? or straight? or really even a man? There is no ability - nor necessity - to determine.

Gay pride parades are what I find as the epitome of detrimental labeling.  They advocate flamboyance, then label it as the representation of the gay community.  This will never be beneficial to reaching acceptance of homosexuality, despite the intrinsic benefits of the community they create.

Why would someone proclaim their pride in being gay any more than they would proclaim their pride in being human?  Both are equally insignificant in terms of actual identity.

"Sexuality"

Technically, I'm bisexual. But what does that even mean?

What is sexuality, anyway? The black and white scale of hetero vs. homo? I think that's what's commonly viewed.

In contrast, Sexual Behavior of the Human Female, 1958 explains that it's a human characteristic to attempt to classify matters as "normal or abnormal, socially acceptable or unacceptable, heterosexual or homosexual," and that society has difficulty realizing the fact that there is nothing so polarized.

"[We] do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats…The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects."

Dr. Alfred Kinsey (who wrote the quote above) is someone I think society ought to listen to more. On both sides of the spectrum, I believe that we ought to realize that there is no -- and ought not to be - only "straight" or "gay".

I'm attracted to both men and women - and why shouldn't I be? I've heard plenty of times (from both self-described straight and gay people) that bisexuality is simply one's fear of accepting their 'true' sexuality. I'm offended by this. Not as a bisexual person, but as a person, period.

the Kinsey Scale

The Kinsey Scale is one of my favorite inventions; it epitomizes what I've been talking about regarding sexuality, in that it explains the varying degrees between the extremes of "homo" and "hetero".

It's a scale, from 0 to 6, that allows one to self-evaluate their own sexuality, based on the amount or frequency of your attraction to both the same and opposite gender. It's not a test; there's no wrong answer.


Me?  4..and a half.  I prefer men, yet I know that I'm attracted to certain women.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that everyone should be bisexual. I'm just saying that it's useless to attempt to view world in the scope of "I can only love a man because I call myself gay." I'm saying that you shouldn't feel that you're obligated to be only attracted to men, or only attracted to women.  it's your attraction. Don't restrict your desires based on how society pressures you to.

~~~
Another version that, despite playing on the false stereotype that gay men are sexually promiscuous, I couldn't resist including:

By the way, thanks, +Alice Blake

Nacense

Names are a strangely difficult thing for me. Naming kids, pets, essays, and characters has always been a struggle; I feel that a lot can be conveyed through something as simple as a name.

'Riley's Closet' is fitting enough to stick with. I won't insult your intelligence by claiming that Riley is my real name, but maybe I should explain why I'd decide to write about my closet, of all things.

Closets aren't particularly unique, or noticeable.  Lots of people have closets - some empty, some crowded, some disorganized, others structured. Some people's closets are wide open, yet others are shut to most everyone. Mine would fall under this latter description; I would describe mine as cluttered, solitary, and abnormal.

What's 'abnormal', of course, changes by perspective. In an attempt to dissemble political correctness and to express tolerance, some might claim that homosexuality isn't abnormal at all - yet if you take it from my perspective, it's considered extremely abnormal by a vast majority of people. And this might bring you to what I actually mean by 'closet'.

The perspective I'm writing this blog is from within my closet - which I've only come out of to three people.  Effectively, I'm still shut deep in the corner of it. Through this blog, maybe you'll acquire some appreciation for this perspective. And maybe you won't; like I said - everyone has a closet, and there are many more out there than mine that can offer their own points of view. Yet hopefully, some of you might be comforted by knowing that we're stuck in our closets together.

So, as a love-stricken seventeen year old, with a sexuality that I can't really define, perhaps I can give insight to a closeted teen's mind, or, especially, solace to those in a similar position. I can't promise that the journey I'll provide won't get occasionally lost on tangents, twisted in philosophical introspection, or even mired in hypocrisy and needlessly expiated rhetoric. I'll try to make my love for commas as unnoticeably annoying as possible - and the opposite for my extremely dry sense of humor.

Anyways, welcome to my 'closet'; I hope you leave with something beneficial.